The Best of Smashboards #1

Smashboards… Though it was once the hub for all things Melee, it is, for the time being at least, little more than a relic of the pre-modern era. While the board has now been rendered mostly obsolete due to the rise of Twitter, Reddit, and Facebook groups, it still serves two vital functions-

#1- it contains ungodly amounts of matchup guides, frame data, and etc. game knowledge for newer generations of players.

#2- It contains a decade’s worth of pre-E-Sports Melee community nonsense.

Because this is Bad Melee, we’ll be focusing exclusively on #2.

This will be an ongoing series where we’ll delve into the best Smashboards has to offer. We’ll start with 3 threads, 1 each from the years 2010-2012.

#1- “Who is Top 2-5 Right Now?” originally posted 6/16/2010                                          Link- http://smashboards.com/threads/who-is-top-2-5-right-now.277923/

The best part of writing this has been the ability to see all of the recurring questions and themes of the Melee community and how community members today are debating the exact same things as members did 5 years ago, just with different names and arguments (looping, anyone?) At the time of this being posted Armada is a fairly undisputed #1 in the world, with numbers 2-6 being far more disputed, just as in mid-2010 Mango was the undisputed #1 with 2-5 up in the air, and just as people today want to get the players after #1 ranked, people in 2010 did as well.

Now, this thread is a pretty good example of what I meant when I wrote about pre-E-Sports nonsense. Go on reddit.com/r/ssbm or something and ask who are 2-6 and you’ll probably get a boring and level discussion on the top 6’s merits. In 2010 asking a question along these lines gets you 11 pages of regional bias, ad-hominem, and uninhibited salt.. and it’s fucking amazing.

On that note, I have 2 pictures to sum up my favorite part of the thread.

Mango

mike haggar cropped

Note- There will probably never be a post I make about Smashboards without using these two pictures and anyone who has read an average Mikehaggar or Mango post should understand why.

At the time of this thread being posted there were 3 players universally agreed upon to be 3 of the 4- Armada, Hbox, and M2K, and while there is some contention over who of those 3 is above who, the main issue is who the 4th is. The main names thrown around are The Artist Formerly Known as Dr. PeePee, Shiz, Zhu, Amsah, and Jman, and in the early-going the discussion is actually quite civil.

Then Mango shows up.

After an off-hand comment about Armada not being good enough to beat him, Mikehaggar shows up to defend Armada’s honor vs. Mango… and it all just kinda snowballs from there. (As a sidenote- I truly think Mike Haggar on Smashboards was under strict orders to be Armada’s anger translator a la Key and Peele.)

After that scuffle it returns largely to normalcy, with discussions over whether Jman is gay enough to beat Hungrybox, if Shiz raped California or not.. yaknow, normalcy. I highly advise giving this one a read-through if only so that you can juxtapose today’s ranking discussions to this one. Regardless, here are some highlights-

Mango-

if i traveled 103013031 miles i deff wouldnt bust out
my ****ty fox
and u call them johns
i call them truths
not saying armadas bad im just giving ur
scrub a$$ the rundown
but i guess u wouldnt understand
so nvm
and im not saying i no **** about the euros
just stating what i do no
*****

Lovage-

yea
you wont even understand!!!!!

MikeHaggar-

meatrider
mango will get ***** at apex, real talk
and also mango youre a delusional **** if you think youre not talking **** just reread your other posts in this thread “hay armada u BARELY beat a brawl playing m2k congrats europe ^_^” yhea thats not ****talk at all

Cia-

 I don’t know why people keep putting M2K on their top 5 lists. He’s expressed time and time again that he DOES. NOT. PLAY. MELEE. nor does he plan to. Putting him there is just a slap in the face to the next in line who will actually play to defend their spot.
It’s like putting Martin Luther King in a top 5 for best public speakers. He’s dead and he isn’t going to speak again. Let’s move on.

#2- “Will Captain Falcon Ever Win A National?” originally posted 1/20/2012           Link- http://smashboards.com/threads/will-captain-falcon-ever-win-a-national.317259

For all the recurring questions about Melee, perhaps none have been quite as prevalent as “Does Captain Falcon suck?”, and what we have in this thread is yet another chapter question in the odyssey that is Captain Falcon discussion. The question specifically for this thread is- “is Falcon good enough to win a national?”  and naturally, there were 2 views-

1- Yes he is, it’s just that that Falcon players aren’t good enough.

2- No, Falcon sucks.

In truth however, the most interesting part of this post isn’t even the Falcon stuff that makes up the first half (as funny as Leffen telling every Falcon main they need to get their feminine sides in control is), it’s how many different turns the thread took before eventually coming full-circle (please read till the end, exclusively so you can compare Johnny’s thoughts at the beginning of the thread to his thoughts at the end.) In 7 pages of posts it managed to go from Falcon bashing, to Falcon debating, to Hax lamenting the fall of Melee in Tri-State, to a discussion about the faults of local TO’s and the health of the Melee scene, and finally a mini-results thread for Northwest Manifest 2012.

On a serious note, this thread does serve as a great example of why the Smashboards forum style is at times preferable to the Reddit point system if you’re looking for more expansive and branching discussions within a singular post. Anyhow, here are some highlights of the thread-

Hax-

yeah but you can look at peach’s frame data and immediately tell that the character has ridiculous hidden potential that falcon doesn’t. no matter how much falcon evolves his movement and combos are always gonna take consecutive insane reads
winning a national with falcon is a near impossible feat at this stage in melee’s development, but i’ll never stop trying

“I’ll never stop trying”… BIblethump

Leffen-

lol guys u’re hilarious
“For Falcon to win a national, the person playing him would have to significantly out-play his opponents and that’s all there is to it.”
sigh…
just about as much as peach has to
no wait
falcon wins by PURE SKILL because he’s fast and does cool combos
just stfu please, the falcon mains are just not good enough, and thats that.
tell me one falcon who even powershields falco’s lasers even ****ing once >_>

oh, and I don’t hate you guys.
I just hate your feminine side that won’t stop complaining.”

Shroomed-

“You guys are such crybabies! Play mid-low tier since falcon is so bad.”

I won’t post any quotes from the other parts of the thread as they wouldn’t really do it justice. I do strongly recommend you all go read through its entirety however as it’s a great look at community views on the fall of Tri-State, Hax’s thoughts on the game and the community as a whole, and more.

#3- “Retire” AKA The Armada Retirement Thread originally posted 1/20/13                   Link- http://smashboards.com/threads/retire.332831/

Holy shit this thread. Speaking frankly I’m actually sad this is one of the first threads I really delved into because I feel like there’s nowhere to go but down from here. I probably don’t need to summarize what this thread is about but for the sake of consistency I will. Armada announced he was “retiring” and everyone reacts exactly how you would expect. Like, literally though, I don’t think a single person’s reaction diverts from how you would guess they would, and it’s so goddamned funny. Leffen is skeptical and being a cynic, Mango isn’t happy and starts a flame war over who is better between him and Armada, Mew2King gets depressed, Mike Haggar tells people to suck his balls.. it’s all just so perfect.

This thread is 23 pages and legitimately every single page had something that cracked me up, so rather than doing a slightly more extended write-up I will instead just post highlights-

Leffen-

I don’t expect this to last
I’m sorry, I just don’t.
I’ll see you around regardless man 😀

Gliffie-

inb4 Scörpadörp the Luigi main enters G3.

Tied for best comment in the thread with…

Mew2King-

this is pathetic to admit but i have been crying the past 10 minutes

Mango-

I told armada we could play a Life match
loser dies
winner gives the loser poison
3 out 5 sets 3 times
LMAOOOOOO
settle this **** once and for all
#Leonidas
also I played without fire for like the last 2 years
but I did it anyway for the community
win or lose for me the community always won

MikeHaggar-

mango youre so full of ****. we all know youve been burning to beat armada since he started ******. you just suck to much to beat him.
suck my balls.

mike haggar cropped

Obligatory

Silent Wolf-

Bitch move imo

Lovage-

longer the post quicker they’re back

Leffen-

In any case, I never thanked you for being such an awesome rival and friend over the years. So, thanks. A lot.

Note- 2 weeks later Evidence.zip was released.

Kage-

You are still pretty young and have so many more choices you can make for your life. A warrior does not give up what he loves, he finds the love in what he does. This is basically/vaguely how my own fire cannot be extinguished since no matter what I do, I will be happy. It’s not always about success but happiness, if playing Melee does not make you happy anymore then I guess it’s important to do what makes you feel good.

Mango-

im salty as a community member
and not as a top player
I know for a fact hes not better then me
so it doesn’t bother me much
just bothers me as a community member since like 07 that we lost one of our top players
id be upset if hbox quit as well
all the top players fill their roles

That should sound familiar if you watched the end of Summit.

I’m not gonna write anything else so if you want to know more about the thread then you lazy-asses will have to read it. In many ways the thread acts as a microcosm of the Melee community as a whole, and it’s hella cool.

Hope ya’ll enjoyed this, because if you didn’t that sucks cause I’m gonna keep posting them. Browsing SB is hella fun. If you did enjoy it then liking it or following me or whatever the fuck it is you do to show approval on this website would be appreciated, just as sharing it in whatever way you can, be it a singing telegram or a twitter post would be appreciated as well.

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If there are any threads you know of that you would like covered please comment them or message me.

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