Genesis 3: Your Guide to a Frame-Perfect Experience

If you like Melee, chances are you’ve heard of Genesis 3. For most, events like this are an opportunity to compete alongside the very best in the world, unencumbered by regions or countries or other physical barriers endemic to the nature of a non-online game, all in hopes of gaining experience, growing as a competitor, and feeling a sense of connection with those alongside you on the same path. For redditors others, it’s a chance to get their controller signed. Genesis is certain to be either a landmark event in Melee history, or yet another example of a homogenized and forgettable supermajor with a vague absence of heart and soul (my money is on the former.) Either way, here are some tips to make sure your experience is fully optimized!

Travel

Making a few sacrifices here and there, like the Aztecs, can really lighten the financial load that a trip like this can have on your wallet. If you’re going by car, make sure to carpool with a few people from your local scene instead of driving alone. Sure, the driver will likely overcharge you for gas and constantly ask for weed, but sputtering across state lines in a shitty Izuzu Trooper while listening to EDM through a crackling AUX cord can be surprisingly relaxing if you hate yourself enough.

A bus line is another option that may prove cheapest. Take the opportunity to sit back, relax, and watch the great American countryside scroll by. Also, don’t be afraid to make some friends along the way. On the Greyhound to EVO last year I sat next to a pleasant old woman who knitted me a hat and described in great detail the place and time at which I was going to die.

Food

For most of the trip, you’ll likely be subsisting off of Hot N’ Spicys and Corn Nuts like the homeless uncle that your family pretends doesn’t exist. Just remember that eating can also get pricey at events like this, so make sure not to cave in and purchase those overpriced chicken tenders at the venue. Here are a few tips to save money on food:

  • Buy snacks in bulk beforehand a keep them on your person. A fine potato chip crumble will fill any and all of your pockets.
  • Opt to fast instead. Fasting can have some wonderful health benefits.
  • Steal.
  • Loaves and Fishes is a popular soup kitchen in San Jose if you have no qualms with theism.

Lodging

For your hotel, it’s simple mathematics that each person staying in the room splits your individual cost into a smaller fraction, like a horcrux for poor people. This means it’s in your best interest to cram as many people into your room as humanly possible until that $150 a night at the Ramada becomes the price of a Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki. The trade-off here is that with this many people in such a small space, someone’s feet will invariably end up in your mouth during the night.

Hygiene

Packing 12 into a room will save you money, but unless a complicated schedule is drafted or everyone is super comfortable with their sexuality, not everyone will be able to take a shower. The stench that develops inside the room around the second day will be a thick, poisonous miasma; you will choke while you sleep and memories of your childhood will be replaced with visions of the sun swallowing the earth.

Deodorant can help counteract the sickly rot that will form on your body, but ultimately you should accept that you WILL smell like a lake-bloated corpse and that someone WILL write a tired thinkpiece about it. This is the nature of gaming of events and is largely unavoidable. Patting down your sweaty grundle in a Starbucks bathroom won’t change much, so try to forget about it and have fun!

Meeting Your Heroes

If hollow e-lebrity worship is what you came for, then look no further; Genesis will be host to the most iconic figures in Melee. Remember, these top players and figureheads are nothing more than the abstract sum of how they are currently perceived on things like streams and social media. They are not people, but rather one-dimensional novelty husks whose sole purpose is our entertainment. Don’t be afraid to walk right up to your favorite player armed with hilarious memes, loud catch-phrases, and blind adulation. They may seem uncomfortable or weary as you tell them your unsolicited but totally honest opinion on the future of PM, but ignore that and just hand them all the shit that you want them to sign. It’s not like they’re going to say no.

Making Friends

It’s no secret that smashers are notorious partiers, unless they play Smash 4 in which case the last thing you want is to be caught near a drunk 14-year-old. Day one pools are a great place meet people. Learn names, ask questions, just have fun with it! Everyone is there for roughly the same reason and you’re most likely staying at the same hotel. If you have a setup or two in your room, host some friendlies and have the players take shots for every missed ledgedash. Soon enough everyone will be involved in a drunk argument about Marth’s position on the tier list that will inevitably lead to vicious personal insults and devastated friendships beyond repair.

The Genesis 3 venue will also be shared with the 15th Annual Furry Convention. Statistically, it’s not a long shot that there’s some overlap between the Melee and Furry community, so don’t miss out on this opportunity to learn about a new lifestyle and make some unique friends. You never know, one of those people dressed as a fox might just be packing running double shines and perfect Up-B stalls in addition to a silicon tail ass-plug with real fur hot glued to the end.

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